DEAR MR. RUDENESS,
MY BOYFRIEND OF SEVERAL WEEKS JUST BROKE UP WITH ME. HE SAYS THAT IT'S BECAUSE I
AM TOO FAT, BUT I KNOW THAT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE TRUE; I AM THE THINNEST GIRL IN MY
CLASS. I THINK THAT IT IS BECAUSE OF HIS FEAR OF COMMITTMENT THAT HE BROKE UP WITH
ME.
NORMALLY GIRLS HATE IT WHEN GUYS SAY, "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME." HOWEVER IN THIS CASE,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE SAID BECAUSE THAT'S THE TRUTH... IT IS HIM NOT
ME. AND IT REALLY OFFENDS ME THAT HE'S SAYING THAT IT'S ME AND NOT HIM. IT OFFENDS
ME THAT HE IS WILLING TO SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY APPEARANCE
RATHER THAN TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS OWN ISSUES.
I WANT TO CONFRONT HIM, BUT I'M AFRAID THAT HE MAY START RUMORS ABOUT ME BY TELLING
PEOPLE THAT WE KNOW THAT I'M FATTER THAN I LOOK. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
-HEARTBROKEN
DEAR HEARTBROKEN,
LET ME START OUT BY SAYING THAT I BECAME AN ADVICE COLUMNIST BECAUSE I AM SMART
AND I KNOW ALL ABOUT PEOPLE AND HOW THEY ARE. WITH THAT IN MIND I WILL POINT OUT
THAT WHEN SOMEONE ASKS SOMEONE ELSE FOR ADVICE IT IS GENERALLY EITHER BECAUSE THE
PERSON THAT THEY'RE ASKING HAS MORE EXPERIENCE IN A GIVEN SITUATION, OR THEY'RE
JUST SMARTER. IN YOUR CASE, I'M JUST SMARTER.
I DON'T HAVE EXPERIENCE HERE. UNLIKE YOU I'M NOT A FAT GIRL, AND I'VE NEVER HAD
TO BREAK UP WITH A FAT GIRL. I DO SYMPATHYZE WITH YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND BUT I DON'T
KNOW FIRSTHAND WHAT THIS IS LIKE. BUT BEING SUPERIOR IN INTELLIGENCE AS I AM, I
CAN GIVE YOU SOME GOOD ADVICE:
FIRST OF ALL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE RUMORS. I GUARANTEE YOU THAT PEOPLE ARE ALREADY
TALKING BEHIND YOUR BACK ANYWAY SO THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. SECONDLY, YOU COULD
CONFRONT HIM IF YOU THINK IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. BUT IT SHOULDN'T MAKE YOU
FEEL ANY BETTER BECAUSE IT WON'T MEAN A THING TO HIM ANYWAY.
I WOULD RECOMMEND BEATING HIM UP - IF YOU'RE ABLE. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE PROBABLY
A LOT HEAVIER THAN HE IS, SO JUST THROW YOURSELF ON TOP OF HIM... THAT SHOULD DO
THE TRICK. JUST BE CAREFUL NOT TO KILL HIM. I DON'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR BEING
THE ONE THAT GAVE THE FAT GIRL THE ADVICE THAT LED TO SOMEONE'S DEATH.
-MR. RUDENESS
DEAR MR. RUDENESS, LAST WEEK OUR SCHOOL HAD A TALENT CONTEST THAT I DIDN'T WIN,
EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD HAVE. THE WINNER WAS A GUY WHO EVERYONE THINKS IS SO COOL JUST
BECAUSE HE PLAYS GUITAR AND SINGS. SO WHAT? I JUGGLE... AND I'M VERY GOOD AT IT!
SOME OF THE JUDGES WERE GIRLS WHO LIKE THIS JERK JUST BECAUSE HE PLAYS GUITAR AND
SINGS. I THINK THAT THERE IS A CONFLICT OF INTERESTS WHEN THE JUDGES ARE GIRLS WHO
ARE IN LOVE WITH ONE OF THE CONTESTANTS, DON'T YOU? SO I WENT TO THE PRINCIPAL AND
TOLD HER MY GRIEVANCE AND, DO YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK SHE'S IN LOVE WITH THAT IDIOT
TOO!
THE PRIZE MONEY WAS A HUNDRED DOLLARS WHICH HE NOW HAS AND I DON'T. NOT TO MENTION
THE GIRLS THAT HE HAS THAT I DON'T. THE GIRLS AND THE MONEY ARE RIGHTFULLY MINE!
DO YOU THINK I HAVE GROUNDS FOR A LAWSUIT?
-JUGGLER
DEAR JUGGLER,
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU GOT A RAW DEAL, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. UNFORTUNATELY, HOWEVER, IT
IS NOT THE SINGING GUITAR PLAYER'S FAULT THAT YOU GOT THE SHORT END OF THE STICK
ON TALENT AND INTELLIGENCE AND (AND THIS IS JUST AN EDUCATED GUESS) PROBABLY LOOKS
TOO.
IF YOU WANT TO EMBARRASS YOURSELF IN COURT, THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS. IF YOU DO, LET
ME KNOW WHEN AND WHERE THE TRIAL IS BEING HELD... I'D LIKE TO COME AND WATCH. I
COULD ALWAYS USE A GOOD LAUGH.
-MR. RUDENESS
DEAR MR. RUDENESS,
ARE THESE LETTERS REAL, OR ARE THEY MADE UP BY THAT COMIXFARM GUY WITH TWO HEADS?
-CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS,
IT ALL DEPENDS ON IF WE GET ENOUGH LETTERS IN FROM REAL PEOPLE OR NOT. IF WE DON'T,
WE HAVE TO MAKE SOME UP. YOUR LETTER, FOR EXAMPLE, IS MADE UP AND NOT FROM A REAL
PERSON. SORRY IF THAT OFFENDS YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY... I'M AN ADVICE COLUMNIST SO THE QUESTIONS THAT YOU ASK SHOULD BE
ASKING FOR ADVICE, NOT INFORMATION ABOUT HOW THINGS ARE DONE HERE ON THE FARM. I'D
APPRECIATE IT IF WE COULD KEEP THESE KINDS OF LETTERS TO AN ABSOLUTE MINIMUM. LIKE,
NONE.
-MR. RUDENESS
DEAR MR. RUDENESS,
I'M WONDERING IF YOU COULD SUGGEST A GOOD INSULT FOR ME TO USE ON MY GIRLFRIEND.
I NEED A GOOD COMEBACK. SHE SAYS THAT I'M BORING AND UNIMAGINATIVE. CAN YOU SUGGEST
A GOOD 'ZINGER' THAT I COULD COME BACK AT HER WITH WHEN SHE SAYS THIS?
-STUMPED
DEAR STUMPED,
IT'S A GOOD THING YOUR LETTER WAS SHORT OR I PROBABLY WOULD NOT HAVE RUN IT. I DON'T
NEED MATERIAL THAT PUTS MY READERS TO SLEEP. COULDN'T YOU HAVE COME UP WITH SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE EXCITING AND CREATIVE LIKE, "MY GIRLFRIEND SAYS THAT IT SCARES HER
WHEN WE ENGAGE IN A HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASE"? HONESTLY, HOW YOU PEOPLE COME UP WITH
SUCH DULL LETTERS IS WAY BEYOND ME.
-MR. RUDENESS
DEAR MR. RUDENESS,
I HAVE JUST RECEIVED NOTICE FROM THE IRS THAT THEY'RE COMING AFTER ME FOR HUNDREDS
OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS THAT THEY SAY THAT I OWE THEM. HOW COULD I OWE THEM ANYTHING?
I AM A POOR SIMPLE MAN WHO HAS NEVER HAD ANYTHING IN LIFE - THIS HAS TO BE A MISTAKE.
BUT HOW DO I FIGHT THE IRS? I CANNOT AFFORD A GOOD LAWYER - OR ANY LAWYER, FOR THAT
MATTER. IS THERE ANY KIND OF CHARITY GROUP OR ANYTHING THAT YOU KNOW OF THAT HELPS
PEOPLE LIKE ME? I FEAR PRISON, MR. RUDENESS. I'VE HEARD SUCH HORRIBLE STORIES ABOUT
THINGS THAT GO ON IN PRISON - THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GUYS LIKE ME. I CAN'T HANDLE
IT. PLEASE... WHAT DO I DO?
-FRIGHTENED
DEAR FRIGHTENED,
I DON'T REALLY ASSOCIATE WITH ANY CHARITY GROUPS SO I'M AFRAID I CAN'T HELP YOU
THERE. BUT THIS BIT OF INFORMATION MIGHT HELP SOME: I SAW A NEWS SHOW ABOUT PRISON
LIFE, AND IT SAID THAT DEATH ROW IS ACTUALLY A LOT MORE LOW-KEY THAN THE REST OF
PRISON. BUT IT'S NOT LIKELY THAT YOU COULD END UP ON DEATH ROW FOR OWING THE IRS
MONEY - NOT YET, ANYWAY. SO YOU'LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ELSE TO GET THERE, AND THAT'S
ALL I'M REALLY AT LIBERTY TO SAY. I WOULD SUGGEST OFFING ONE OF THE IRS AGENTS,
BUT I DOUBT THAT ANY JUDGE WOULD GIVE YOU THE DEATH PENALTY FOR KILLING AN IRS AGENT.
MOTHER THERESA IS ALREADY DEAD. YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO USE YOUR IMAGINATION. JUST STAY
OUT OF MY NECK OF THE WOODS.
-MR. RUDENESS
DEAR MR. RUDENESS,
YOU SUCK. YOU PROMOTE YOUR SITE WITH THE LINE, "BE OFFENDED, BE
VERY OFFENDED"
BUT WHAT IS OFFENSIVE ABOUT YOUR SITE? GENERALLY WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT A WEBSITE
CONTAINS "OFFENSIVE MATERIAL" IT MEANS THAT THERE IS NUDITY AND SUCH. YOU DON'T
EVEN USE SWEAR WORDS. WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF GOODY-TWO-SHOES TRYING TO BE BAD-ASS?
-REVOLTED
DEAR REVOLTED,
I THINK THAT I'VE MADE IT FAIRLY CLEAR IN THE PAST THAT SINCE I AM AN ADVICE COLUMNIST,
LETTERS TO ME SHOULD BE LETTERS ASKING FOR ADVICE, NOT MINDLESS BANTER SPOUTING
AN ASSININE OPINION. YOURS WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER SUITED AS A LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
BUT SINCE I'M FEELING NICE TODAY (WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOME IDIOT LIKE YOURSELF
PUTS ME IN A FOUL MOOD) I AM RUNNING YOUR LETTER ALONG WITH MY RESPONSE.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LACK OF OFFENSIVE MATERIAL ON MY SITE
AND YET CLEARLY, YOU ARE OFFENDED. IN FACT I'M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY THAT
YOU ARE
VERY OFFENDED - SO I DID ACCOMPLISH EXACTLY WHAT I ADVERTISED.
AS FOR OFFENSIVE NUDITY, THE IMAGES OF GREEZY'S BALD HEAD THAT APPEAR ON THE SITE
SHOULD BE ENOUGH OFFENSIVE NUDITY FOR ANY DIM-WIT, YOURSELF INCLUDED. AND AS FOR
SWEARING... THE REASON THAT I DO NOT SWEAR IS NOT BECAUSE I'M A GOODY-TWO-SHOES.
I DON'T SWEAR BECAUSE SWEARING IS THE REGURGITATED VOCABULARY OF THE MORONIC MASSES.
IT IS A PRE-DETERMINED SET OF WORDS FOR PEOPLE SUCH AS YOU, WHO LACK THE WIT AND
IMAGINATION TO THINK OF WHAT TO SAY FOR THEMSELVES. I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY. BUT
SWEAR WORDS ARE MOST OFTEN USED BY PEOPLE WHO NEED TO MASK THE FACT THAT THEY REALLY
DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. AND JUST SO THERE'S NO CONFUSION,
THE WORD "HELL" IS IN THE BIBLE, SO IT'S NOT A SWEAR WORD.
-MR. RUDENESS
